As I unapologetically value myself more, I’m calmly deconstructing how I assign meaning to people I first like. I’m finding I reach further than how I now observe they feel about me.
“Best friends” who stay mum when I call them that.
“Lovers” whose friends and family didn’t know I existed.
“Friends” who stay in touch just to see how I turn out.
“Relatives” who are only family when they need me as glue.
“Romantic interests” who stop flirting back but say I can go on.
“Sisters” and “brothers” and “neighbors” and “cousins” and “teammates” and… abbo, the list goes on.
These give me pause now.
I first mistook these as about being on different timelines.
Now I know it’s about values and compatibility.
I didn’t want to lose great humans by “being picky”.
So much for my core value being courage.
Time to hit reset.
I’ll scale back. Some of these earned their way up (and some I let slide up), so it hurts a bit to see it.
These are now labels I’ll hold dear and reclassify as necessary.
Labels only exist to help me make sense of the people I’m compatible with.
Everyone who was emotionally unavailable to me, whatever their reasoning may be, I understand.
They had their things. I get it.
I also understand it’s not my burden to carry.
Funnily, I was constantly told I was being selfish for checking out in this way and putting people at a distance, and I sure did my tapassu (focused reparations, in this context) to start trusting people and their motives again. Now some of them are at the same intersection. This time, I refuse to be called unreasonable for asking them to work on themselves too.
So will I risk making another mistake by honoring the distance I didn’t ask for? Fool me once and all that, after all?
I don’t want to believe trusting was the mistake. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable enough, knowing I am capable of handling myself should the need arise. That I can always keep myself safe. I think not reading that they weren’t as invested in me back was the mistake.
But yes, it hurts. It’s also what sets me free. I may not be invited to things anymore, but was I really not an afterthought to their guest lists?
Were we really compatible to begin with?
Being private about it comes from respect.
Being secretive about it comes from shame.
I see the difference now.
Going forward, I’m clearer on what’s nonnegotiable.
I am a gardener. I’m pruning.
I will love deeply. It’s who I am. I’ve grown. Now I’ve learnt how much reciprocity is important to me. I value hearing things back.